Long time, no type.

Why hello again.  It's been awhile since I've written on here.  I keep forgetting about it. haha

I was reading through my old posts and they make me laugh.  That's one thing I definitely love about myself. even in my sad/distressed posts; I still throw something funny in there.  Always trying to lighten the mood. haha I have really come in to my own the last month.  I feel like I have grown up quite a bit.  It's a great feeling.  I love this new positive and happy attitude I have adapted.  I've really learned to love myself and be completely ok with who I really am.  No more hiding or pretending. I've fully embraced every aspect of me. :D  I've learned to completely love yourself and be who you are. You have to accept all of your negative qualities and we all have them.  I know my faults and I work hard each day to try and better them.  I am not perfect and I never will be BUT I am an awesome human being.  I feel so inspired each day to be the best person I can be. FRICK YEH... epiphany..brain cum everywhere.

ps:  I would like to shout out to a few people right meow

Gabe-  You're my best friend and I couldn't get throught half the shit I've been through if you hadn't been there.  It's nice knowing that no matter what happens or what I do, you won't run away screaming. So, thanks for that!

Ryan-  I don't know what you do to me but you motivate me to better myself and make me want to be a better person and because of all the douchy things you have done to me.  I have had a lot of personal epiphany's. You make me a stronger person.  I heart you.

Danielle-  You're my little sister and I love you.  You were there when I needed you most and I will always appreciate that.

Cindy-  Although we haven't spoken in over a year.  You are a huge inspiration to me; to never be the person you are.  You have done a lot for me and I still appreciate that. BUT  it must suck to live a life full of lies.  Pretending to be someone you're not. I couldn't imagine how unhappy you are.  For the longest time I wanted your forgiveness and for you to be there for me.  I don't even care anymore. If you can't love me for all that I am the good, great, bad, and worse parts of me. I don't need you in my life.  I feel sorry for you.

Grandpa-  For always being trusty and believing in me. When nobody else in our family does.  You are my hero and the greatest man I know.  I love you gramps.

Grandma-  I know you aren't here anymore but I feel you with me in everything that I do.  I never feel alone for long because I know you are sitting right next to me with your arm around me.  You help me push through the hard things because I know things always get better.  I try be how strong I knew you to be.  I got my perserverance and strength from the woman you were and still are to me.  I love you and miss you so much gma.

sad

I've been having a hard time dealing lately. I've done really good ignoring how much it hurts not having my family involved in my life.  I don't usually let it get to me but it's been difficult today.  I think maybe if they knew how bad it hurts they would be there. I feel pretty alone at times.  It breaks my heart.  It's sad when you sit and stare at pictures of your family until you cry because you miss them and you know they don't want anything to do with you.  I know I've mad a lot of mistakes in my life and hurt people along the way but I'm different now.  I have changed so much in the passed year and a half.  I wish they would take the time of day to get to know me again. I feel like it's wrong to turn your back on someone when they need you the most.  I feel horrible.  I don't even know what I'm going to do for the holidays.  I can't stop crying.  I see pictures of them and they are all happy and together.  They don't even realize that I'm gone. When I can't stop missing them. No one gives me the time of day. So what am I supposed to do?  This is getting too hard. I need them in my life right now.

Gangnam style

Helloooooooooo.

I would just like to say that I am in an amazing mood right now..

So this is what ive been up to

Working at Spencers

Losing weight

Listen to weird techno shit

Loving my boyfriend

Hanging out with gabe  a lot

Drinking tooo much coffee

Facebookin it

Istagrammin it

blow up dolls

colorful penguins

and plunge clunging

tia is crazy

I've been lost in my mind the passed couple of days.  I can't pinpoint exactly what's been bothering me.  I don't even know how I feel right now.  Everything is going just fine in my life. Nothing bad has happened.  I'm very frustrated.  I feel like I need a friend.  One that isn't in love with me or only cares about their issues.  Ryan is a great friend but I feel like I need someone who understands the person I used to be.  If that makes any sense at all.  One thing that has been bothering me is my relationship with Ryan.  It's going good.  I just feel like things are off.  I don't know if that makes sense either.  Maybe I'm trying to talk myself out of it again.  I don't know.  What I do know is that I feel like he could do so much better. So it's like I'm waiting for him to realize this and leave.  I know this has a lot to do with my past relationship but maybe he was right too.  I just want to cry because it's like this horrible feeling in my stomach that I know something  bad will happen.  I try to be positive but it's still there.  I have this weird feeling that I need to run away.  My friend is moving to chicago in the fall and I feel like I should go but Ryan is what is holding me back.  I couldn't leave him but I feel like I should.  See what I mean...my though process is all fucked up.  It even shows in my writing.  Ooofda.

Massive explosion all over your face.. AHHH

Time to vent my frustration to you google  blogger because I don't want to bother people with my issues.
HERE I GOOOOOOOOO

Well first of all I'd like to say fuck you to everything that pissed me off today.
1. Step mom
2. Wild Hog
3. Black dude that harasses me
4. Step mom
5. Some random dude that spilled his drink on me
Ok so it's not a whole lot on that list but they all contribute a fair share as to why I want to kick puppies. (and I love animals)

Wild Hog is just a bitch and completely fucked up my schedule for the next 3 weeks.  The one time they decide to not procrastinate and do their job. I wish they hadn't. Plus this dude I work with went completely overboard with harassing me today.  So what did I do.  I freaked the fuck out on him and I got into trouble.  Enough of that.
I called my little sister today to try and get my xbox back.  Did I get it?  I'll give you a hint.  No.  I'm ok with that now because I found out what's been going on in her life recently.  She told me how my step mom has been bad mouthing the shit out of me to everyone in warroad that has anything to do with me.  Also my little sisters told danielle that they dont remember who I am.  FUCKING SWEET!  My little sister kaiya said " My mommy told me that you guys need to buy a new family."  WTF DUDE?  I can only imagine what Cindy is telling a 6 and 4 year old.  Horrible.  My dad is also cheating on cindy.  BIG SURPRISE.  I cant even write everything down.  It's just ridiculous.  I'm just waiting for everything to start exploding in everyones face.  All I know is that I am done with that side of my family.  It's too much to try and love them when they despise everything that I am.  Am I really that bad of a person?  I'm sick of looking for approval.  I'm sick of wishing that cindy would call me.  I'm sick of missing them.  I'm sick of them not caring if I exist.  I can't do this anymore.  It hurts too much.  Just when I thought I might be getting somewhere with all of this.  I get stabbed in the heart.  Well.. I'm done.  (sorry im upset so my grammer and punctuations is completely horrible..whatev)

You say that I'll never change but what the fuck do you know.  I'll burn it all to the ground before I let you in. I cant forgive you now. I remember everything.


special thank yous for making my day better go out to...
1. Pizza hut for giving me free stuff
2. My old co workers at pizza hut that all gave me a hug
3. Lady at the bank for cashing my check even tho my id is gone
4. Danielle for being the only one knowing what Im going through
5. BIG ONE to Ryan for just being himself. I dont feel as alone with him. :)
6. Diet pepsi..for quenching my thirst.
Thank you

God gave me you..

I'm sitting here thinking about how lucky I am.  I have the most amazing person in my life right now. You know that moment where you catch yourself smiling for no reason.  That's what is happening right now.  lol  I think about what's going to happen with us all the time.  I can't picture my life without him right now.  He has brought so much good and happiness into my life.  More than anyone I have ever met.  I'm excited every time I see him and my favorite part of the day is falling asleep next to him and walking up to him in the morning.  I have always wanted something like this... For as long as I can remember.  I didn't believe in much before I met him.  I had very little faith in anything.  Now I know there has to be something out there.  Someone or something had to have placed someone so wonderful in my life.  The person I have become over the passed seven months is greatly due to him. I feel like he saved me in certain aspects. :)  I just want to thank god for putting this person in my life. It has opened my eyes to how beautiful life and love is.  Regardless to what happens with him and I. I will always thank him and he will always have a special place in my heart.  Although, I'd prefer if he just stayed in it forever because I could never prepare myself for losing something so perfect.  I'm in love with the dude.. lol

How beer saved the world

I'm sitting here celebrating today with a few beers.  I'm on my fifth one so far.  I feel pretty damn good.  I have the perfect buzz going on.  I'm not doing anything too crazy. Just sitting here with my boyfriend watching The Girl Next Door. I just wanted to say how much I love beer.  I can drink all day and never get crazy.  Like the kind of crazy that makes me hate myself in the morning.  You can pace yourself.  This is definately my drink of choice.  I just wanted to express the love I have for beer.  It makes me feel good and does not make me regret the choices I make.  Here's to beer. CHEERS!