Get Drunk And Be Somebody

Alcohol is my best friend/worst enemy.  I love how Alcohol is literally liquid courage.  It makes you feel a hundred times better about yourself and your not afraid to be a complete idiot and speak your mind.  On the darker side.  It can turn you into a person your not, say things you probably should never say, lose your morals, and cause a lot of trouble.  I love drinking.  not to just get wasted. I just like to party, dance and have a good time with close friends.  I have been hitting up the bar scene a lot lately and I'm enjoying the hell out of it.  A lot of people think I'm becoming an alcoholic or binge drinking. I say No.  I just turned 21, Im young. I want to live life and have fun.  Make stupid mistakes. Apologize..more than once.  Fall down. Get back up.  Dance until my legs hurt.  Wake up the next morning. Thinking Omg Im so glad I didnt have sex with that guy last night or even better wake up next to some guy and think damn i had a good time last night.  (not necessarily saying hook up with random dudes all the time but once in a blue moon is ok) This is the time in my life where I want to make memmories.  I dont want too look back and say. Oh yeah kids your mom stayed at home and read the bible. No.  I want to be able to say I tore shit up and had a wild and crazy time doing so.  Lifes to short to live with regret of what happened or the stupid mistakes you made along the way.  You live and you learn...or keep making the same mistakes over until you learn.  haha  If people are you going to judge you. Let them.  They are just jealous because they wish they had the crazy wonderful life you lead.  I dont care if people think Im going crazy.  Maybe i am..so what.  Im having the best time doing it.  I might have done some pretty stupid things the passed couple months but I have stories to tell.  I dont care if I got completely wasted one night and made an ass out of myself.  It happens to everyone..sometimes more that once but a saying in life I live by is  The people that mind dont matter and the people that matter dont mind..  yeeuhh dude thats whats up.  rock it

You dont know how sick you make me. You make me fucking sick to my stomach everytime I think of you I puke.

I found out some fucking fantastic news today.  Satan strikes again.  Not only did he threaten to murder me last week.  He's even more of a pig than I even thought.  Apparently he gives stupid skanks free tattoos in exchange for sex.  How lovely. Oh, and He likes it in the ass. Sad thing is Im being completely serious.  I found out all this stuff today and I am physically sick.  I feel like throwing up everytime he crosses my mind.  I have never been this disturbed in my entire life.  I feel like a complete idiot for wasting 5 fucking years on him.  I have a plan to meet him tonight so I can punch him in the face.  Dead serious.  It will be the only thing that will make me feel better.  I honestly DO NOT care about the consequences.  I have so much on him that he wouldn't dare go to the cops.  Oh and what would he say anyways. "My ex girlfriend beat me up"  HA.  This time I'm fighting back.  I'm going to show him that he fucked with the wrong girl.  Ive let him beat me up physically and mentally but this time he is gonna get what has been long overdue.  A good ass kicking by a woman.  Fuck him.  Ive never had so much hate for someone in my entire life.  Dear Isaac Johnson..go fornicate yourself with a steal rod and then jump in front of a fucking train.  I HATE YOU!!!!  you ruined love for me..so I will ruin it for you.

Nerves.
I'm so nervous right now. It will be the first day Ive seen josh in almost two weeks and we will be spending the entire day together.  It's damiens birthday party out at base and then it's bucks.  I'm excited but worried too.  What if he flirts with other girls at the bar.  I will lose my mind.  I will probably have to leave if that's how it's going to be. I'm just going to try enjoy myself and not pay much attention to him.  Plan of attack:  Make it look like I'm just fine and happy without him in my life.  Tonight for me is a make it or break it kind of deal.  If we can't get through today.  I'm done and moving on and never looking back.  Uff. My chest is getting really tight and my minds racing.  I can't stop moving.  I feel like I have ADD right now.  Wish me luck for tonight everyone and lets hope my emotions get the better of me and I dont get too drunk and make a fool of myself.  Fingers crossed!

Chalk another love lost up to Foolish Pride.

So yesterday josh and I were texting a lot.  He told me that there was nothing left to say or talk about when i asked him to talk to me in person but the funny thing is after he said that we texted for two more hours and he unleashed all of his feelings on me. I did find out that he is just mad and its not that he doesnt want anything to do with me anymore he just wants some time to get over the whole situation and a little space.  Which is understandable atleast he still likes me and i know he cares because he's that hurt and got that jealous.  It really sucks not seeing him though.  I dont think when it comes to love you should be prideful.  It can kill a romance and being so stubborn doesnt help much either.  I'm just happy that he opened up and finally showed some human emotions. lol  I get to spend all day with him tomorrow which will be nice.  It's damiens birthday part out on base and then we have the competitions tomorrow at bucks as well.  So my plan of action is to dress really hott and not necessarily ignore him but play a little hard to get.  I'm going to make it look like im the happiest person alive and show him what he's missing out on by being so damn stubborn lol.  I'm not sure what I'm going to wear.  probably my silver jeans with a pink t shirt.  Simple but sexy. ya kno. hahahaha  Im kind of nervous though because it will be the first time ive seen or spoken to him in a week and a half.  I hope he's not rude.  It will kill the day for me.  Im determined though to get him back in my life and I always get what I want and I will not give up until I have it.  Im relentless that way.  I'm going to try make him think that Im prize to be won and HE should be lucky to have me in his life because I can move on easily and find a new one.  There are plenty of good looking fish in the sea with a nice ass.  So im not too worried about it.  Even though I do want him and it will hurt like hell if it doesnt work out.  I wont be lonely long. 

just tonight

Just tonight can we pretend that this never happened and go back to the way it was.  Can you hold me close and tell me you need me again. hold my hand and we can escape this place.  That everyone has made for us.  the lies they made you believe and made me live.  I cant go on with out your touch.  So just tonight can you kiss me again.  One last time can you please be mine.  i can let go of you if i get my closure.  i need to love you one more time and i need you to tell me we'll be fine.  Let's laugh together and forget about everyone.  The crazy lives we lead and the people that ruined everything.  So for just tonight take me away..one last time and i will say goodbye.

I am through

I wonder what's going to happen with him.  I wish I could just run over to his apartment knock down his door and say "Hey you..yeh Im in love with you.  What are you going to do about it?"  but I won't because I don't think a girl should have to chase a guy and my pride won't allow it.  I wish he would stop being so stubborn and frustrating.  I'm in love with this guy.  He's throwing something good away.  Is he scared? do you think that could be the reason for the distance?  because everyone told me how they have never seen him like someone so much..but then he just falls off the radar.  My heart hurts and I can't get him out of my head.  i wish he knew how I felt.

So it's getting late
The bright sky fades
and Im stuck with thought that I cant erase
I'm watching the clock
waiting for a sign
hoping you'll call
show me ur alive
anything
The darkness is cold
when it slowly rips through my soul
do you see it
and can you feel me wanting you


I didn't mean it
and i can't believe it
you can't believe me
i've told you the truth
and it's all because of you
I dont lie and never would
but I will cry
completely missunderstood
they lies they weaved
are killing me
here i am alone needing you
and you cant even see
how I feel
what i miss
Why did it come to this
im so hurt and in so much pain
from there tormented games
they played
Why cant you sew
but you wont believe me.

The most interesting thing ever

Actually.  I just wanted to say that I blog because it helps me sort through things in my mind.  I do not put it up here for idiots to judge. Its my blog and if you are going critisize it. Don't read it.  Now go judge someone elses blog you pathetic losers.  Okay thats all! 

Stupid boy..stubborn. Get the F over it.

Okay.  So this guy that I have been seeing for over a month now has been very angry and unforgiving to me this passed week.  I will tell you the story of what happened.  Alright.  Last weekend started off wonderful.  I couldn't have been happier.  My parents were comming to town and josh was finally going to meet them.  Plus we were all going to go out and get our drink on.  Friday was wonderful.  It made me like josh that much more but then..Saturday comes.  He ditches out on meeting my parents which ticked me off and he was acting wierd and distant all day.  Dick move.  I was pretty upset about it but I didn't tell him because I didn't want to make a big deal about it.  Saturday night comes.  I get all dressed up and I'm looking good.  Josh gives me a ride to the bar and then completely ignores me.  It's like I don't even exist.  I was very hurt and on top of that a guy grabbed my ass and josh said it was my fault for looking like a hooker.  That was horrible because it reminded me of what Isaac used to tell me.  We finally got downtown and i started slamming back the drinks because I was so upset.  josh left without even saying goodbye to me.  I was wasted and i ran into some old guy friends that I had graduated with.  We hung out and went to JB's  tyler gave me a piggy back ride and mitch was pretending to be my boyfriends so the creeps would stay away.  Completely harmless nothing sexual.  He just had his arm around me.  We ended up leaving and going back to there apartment for a few more drinks.  i decided I didnt want to be there so I called jeff and becca to come pick me up.  We went to I29 ate and then they brought me to josh's apartment.  He had locked me out and I had all of my stuff on there so I banged on the door for an extended period of time.  I was way too drunk at this point and made an ass out of myself.  I woke up the next day and he was fricken irate.  Apparently people had told him that I was all over this guy and the bar and i had went home with a bunch of guys and had sex with them..and then after that I went to my ex Isaacs house.  How fucked up is that?  He believes these people over me.  I apologized for being too drunk that night but I did not do anything with any guy.  I would never.  I really like josh.  Especially isaacs???!!  wtf?!?!?  I'd rather spend the night in hell then even see his nasty face.  So yeah, now it's been a week and a day and im still having a hard time convincing him im telling the truth.  He's so damn stubborn and it's frustrating the hell out of me.  I've tried everything.  So, now I'm giving up because I've said all I can say.  I told him the god honest truth and I apologized for the shit I did do.  It's his loss anyways.  Fuckin men...They can make a drunken mistake and us girls are like..omg no problem. shit happens when you're too drunk but If us girls make a drunken mistake it's the end of the god damn world.  Bullshit. 

It's all in your head

Why can't relationships be like fairytales?  There should be no reason I cant have a fairytale love but in my case the frog never turns into the prince.  I was thinking and I am the type of person that falls in love with the idea of a perfect relationship.  It's not necessarily that Im in the "fairytale" relationship that I want.  I just put it in my head that this will be the one and it's finally my fairytale.  Yeh, no.  Doesn't happen.  I'm starting to wonder if i've ever even been in love or I was just in love with the idea.  I'm not sure.  Like with my whole current situation.  I dont even know why Im trying to so hard to get josh to forgive me when he's far from what I thought he was.  I mean he is a great guy but i know that he's not the entire package for me.  I know he has potential but Im sick of waiting for guys with just "potential."  I just want to meet prince charming right off the bat and not have to wait for the frog to turn into the prrnce.  That's how love should be in my book.