sad

I've been having a hard time dealing lately. I've done really good ignoring how much it hurts not having my family involved in my life.  I don't usually let it get to me but it's been difficult today.  I think maybe if they knew how bad it hurts they would be there. I feel pretty alone at times.  It breaks my heart.  It's sad when you sit and stare at pictures of your family until you cry because you miss them and you know they don't want anything to do with you.  I know I've mad a lot of mistakes in my life and hurt people along the way but I'm different now.  I have changed so much in the passed year and a half.  I wish they would take the time of day to get to know me again. I feel like it's wrong to turn your back on someone when they need you the most.  I feel horrible.  I don't even know what I'm going to do for the holidays.  I can't stop crying.  I see pictures of them and they are all happy and together.  They don't even realize that I'm gone. When I can't stop missing them. No one gives me the time of day. So what am I supposed to do?  This is getting too hard. I need them in my life right now.

Gangnam style

Helloooooooooo.

I would just like to say that I am in an amazing mood right now..

So this is what ive been up to

Working at Spencers

Losing weight

Listen to weird techno shit

Loving my boyfriend

Hanging out with gabe  a lot

Drinking tooo much coffee

Facebookin it

Istagrammin it

blow up dolls

colorful penguins

and plunge clunging

tia is crazy

I've been lost in my mind the passed couple of days.  I can't pinpoint exactly what's been bothering me.  I don't even know how I feel right now.  Everything is going just fine in my life. Nothing bad has happened.  I'm very frustrated.  I feel like I need a friend.  One that isn't in love with me or only cares about their issues.  Ryan is a great friend but I feel like I need someone who understands the person I used to be.  If that makes any sense at all.  One thing that has been bothering me is my relationship with Ryan.  It's going good.  I just feel like things are off.  I don't know if that makes sense either.  Maybe I'm trying to talk myself out of it again.  I don't know.  What I do know is that I feel like he could do so much better. So it's like I'm waiting for him to realize this and leave.  I know this has a lot to do with my past relationship but maybe he was right too.  I just want to cry because it's like this horrible feeling in my stomach that I know something  bad will happen.  I try to be positive but it's still there.  I have this weird feeling that I need to run away.  My friend is moving to chicago in the fall and I feel like I should go but Ryan is what is holding me back.  I couldn't leave him but I feel like I should.  See what I mean...my though process is all fucked up.  It even shows in my writing.  Ooofda.

Massive explosion all over your face.. AHHH

Time to vent my frustration to you google  blogger because I don't want to bother people with my issues.
HERE I GOOOOOOOOO

Well first of all I'd like to say fuck you to everything that pissed me off today.
1. Step mom
2. Wild Hog
3. Black dude that harasses me
4. Step mom
5. Some random dude that spilled his drink on me
Ok so it's not a whole lot on that list but they all contribute a fair share as to why I want to kick puppies. (and I love animals)

Wild Hog is just a bitch and completely fucked up my schedule for the next 3 weeks.  The one time they decide to not procrastinate and do their job. I wish they hadn't. Plus this dude I work with went completely overboard with harassing me today.  So what did I do.  I freaked the fuck out on him and I got into trouble.  Enough of that.
I called my little sister today to try and get my xbox back.  Did I get it?  I'll give you a hint.  No.  I'm ok with that now because I found out what's been going on in her life recently.  She told me how my step mom has been bad mouthing the shit out of me to everyone in warroad that has anything to do with me.  Also my little sisters told danielle that they dont remember who I am.  FUCKING SWEET!  My little sister kaiya said " My mommy told me that you guys need to buy a new family."  WTF DUDE?  I can only imagine what Cindy is telling a 6 and 4 year old.  Horrible.  My dad is also cheating on cindy.  BIG SURPRISE.  I cant even write everything down.  It's just ridiculous.  I'm just waiting for everything to start exploding in everyones face.  All I know is that I am done with that side of my family.  It's too much to try and love them when they despise everything that I am.  Am I really that bad of a person?  I'm sick of looking for approval.  I'm sick of wishing that cindy would call me.  I'm sick of missing them.  I'm sick of them not caring if I exist.  I can't do this anymore.  It hurts too much.  Just when I thought I might be getting somewhere with all of this.  I get stabbed in the heart.  Well.. I'm done.  (sorry im upset so my grammer and punctuations is completely horrible..whatev)

You say that I'll never change but what the fuck do you know.  I'll burn it all to the ground before I let you in. I cant forgive you now. I remember everything.


special thank yous for making my day better go out to...
1. Pizza hut for giving me free stuff
2. My old co workers at pizza hut that all gave me a hug
3. Lady at the bank for cashing my check even tho my id is gone
4. Danielle for being the only one knowing what Im going through
5. BIG ONE to Ryan for just being himself. I dont feel as alone with him. :)
6. Diet pepsi..for quenching my thirst.
Thank you

God gave me you..

I'm sitting here thinking about how lucky I am.  I have the most amazing person in my life right now. You know that moment where you catch yourself smiling for no reason.  That's what is happening right now.  lol  I think about what's going to happen with us all the time.  I can't picture my life without him right now.  He has brought so much good and happiness into my life.  More than anyone I have ever met.  I'm excited every time I see him and my favorite part of the day is falling asleep next to him and walking up to him in the morning.  I have always wanted something like this... For as long as I can remember.  I didn't believe in much before I met him.  I had very little faith in anything.  Now I know there has to be something out there.  Someone or something had to have placed someone so wonderful in my life.  The person I have become over the passed seven months is greatly due to him. I feel like he saved me in certain aspects. :)  I just want to thank god for putting this person in my life. It has opened my eyes to how beautiful life and love is.  Regardless to what happens with him and I. I will always thank him and he will always have a special place in my heart.  Although, I'd prefer if he just stayed in it forever because I could never prepare myself for losing something so perfect.  I'm in love with the dude.. lol

How beer saved the world

I'm sitting here celebrating today with a few beers.  I'm on my fifth one so far.  I feel pretty damn good.  I have the perfect buzz going on.  I'm not doing anything too crazy. Just sitting here with my boyfriend watching The Girl Next Door. I just wanted to say how much I love beer.  I can drink all day and never get crazy.  Like the kind of crazy that makes me hate myself in the morning.  You can pace yourself.  This is definately my drink of choice.  I just wanted to express the love I have for beer.  It makes me feel good and does not make me regret the choices I make.  Here's to beer. CHEERS!

That's the ugliest women I've ever seen

Since I plan on completely erasing my ex from my life.  I would like to write him a letter on here to get the last bit out I have stuck all up in hereeee.

Isaac,

  I hate you.  I don't understand why you STILL feel the need to mess up good things in my life.  It has been over a year since we have been together.  I thought you would have grown up and realized I don't want anything to do with you by now.  You are the most awful person I have encountered in my life.  After putting your two sense in trying to ruin things with Ryan and I. I have lost all respect I ever had for you.  I'm happier than I have ever been in my life and nothing you say or do is going to ruin that.  I'm going to erase you from my life completely.  I'm not going to be civil or try to work on a friendship. It's pointless because you are an immature faggot that needs to pull his head out of his ass.  The next time I see you, it will be too soon.  Fuck you very much. 

----------tia

huh

what

fuck..mother fuck..bull shit..cock sucker

this post has been deleted because of it's dramatic content.  :)

Without you I'm a disaster..

I fell asleep thinking about him and he was the first thing on my mind when I woke up.  As time drags on my heart feels like it's being slowly ripped apart. My chest is so tight and I'm so anxious I could puke.  I keep checking my phone hoping that he text me.  When my phone does go off I hope it's him but I know I'm just getting my hopes up.  Still waiting and possibly for nothing.  I feel like I'm going crazy.  I want to stop thinking about him but at the same time I don't.  I can't pretend I don't care and I'm fine when I feel like everything is falling apart.  I won't play that game.  Words can't explain what this guy does to me.  I wish I could find words to say how much he means to me and how much I love him.  I could write forever and it still wouldn't be enough. Oh dear god.. Here come the tears. 
     I wish that people weren't so ready to give up on me all the time.  I don't have many people that have stuck by me through the bad times.  It makes me feel like i'm never going to be good enough.  My past haunts me and I can't escape it.  I have done a lot of stupid things that I wish I could take back now so it wouldnt ruin my present relationships.  I don't want to be judged by who I used to be because I am a completely different person now.  I'm not perfect but I have made huge changes.  I have come a long way.  For once in my life I finally started feeling like being me was good enough for someone. I didn't change who I was for this person. I was me 100% of the time.  I thought I finally found someone that loved me just the way I was flaws and all.  I guess I'm too much.  It hurts because i didn't think that he would be so willing to turn his back on me. My heart breaks with every beat and I can't stop crying.  I wish I could make him understand me better and why I act certain ways in different situations.  I've never had a good relationship with anyone.  They have all been disfunctional and abusive.  He is the first person that everything was just perfect and yeah I don't know how to have a good relationship.  When you come from being brainwashed half your life into thinking certain ways and feel certain ways about yourself.  It might be a little rocky but I am trying and this relationship was a huge learning experience for me.  It was so perfect it was weird to me.  I don't know if I'm making any sense right now.  I'm upset.  I want to kill Isaac.  I swear to god he always finds a way to get into my life somehow and try fuck things up.  He did this to me the last time I was in a relationship with josh.  I might actually have a few blogs on here about that situation.  Luckily Josh was a douche and we only dated 2 months.  This is different because I am in love with this guy and I don't want to lose him.  He is the best thing that has come into my life in the longest time and I will try everything in my power not to lose him.  Unlike him.. I never give up on something or somebody I love. i want to know that I tried everything because I don't want him to be the one that got away and regret it my whole life.  He is my best friend and I don't want to go a day without him in my life.  ..(still checking my phone religiously)(also plotting Isaacs demise)(drinking a glass of water and wanting a beer but NO alcohol bad for upset me)(wanting a hug from him but could possibly be waiting forever)(but I'll do it)(I'm stubborn)...Byeee

its better to ask for forgiveness then permission...amen

So i've been drinking again... and I have a lot to say about my family situation.  I know I messed up but really is it ok to abandon people that you are supposed to love?  My step mom has been on my mine for a long time and I don't know what to do. I mis her but at the same time i hate her guts.  I miss our friendship. she has gotten me threw a lot and I appreciate that but she has completely disowned me as a person.  Yeh... I've made many mistakes but I am a great person but that is part of the learning experience of life.. make mistakes and fuck up but who you are at the end of the day is what makes you ..you,  I am not perfect.  I have never claimed to be anything of the sort.  I am human.  I do stupid shit.  It's all about the learning experience.  I only have one life to live and I want to be able to say I have done everything. Good or bad.  I am having fun and I am being myself.  How many people can say that they are being true to themselves like that?.. not many.  lol  I will never pretend to be someone I am not .  Its better to ask for forgiveness then permission.  amen

Ryan

I've been seeing Ryan for almost seven months.  It's been the most wonderful and eyeopening seven months of my life.  Ryan has become my best friend and I can't imagine not being with him.  I have never been with someone that makes me feel the way he does.  It's as easy as breathing. I didn't know a functional relationship could be this fantastic.  I feel like the luckiest person in the world.  I don't know how I would have made it without him.  :)  Just thought everyone needed to know how amazing this guy is.