God gave me you..

I'm sitting here thinking about how lucky I am.  I have the most amazing person in my life right now. You know that moment where you catch yourself smiling for no reason.  That's what is happening right now.  lol  I think about what's going to happen with us all the time.  I can't picture my life without him right now.  He has brought so much good and happiness into my life.  More than anyone I have ever met.  I'm excited every time I see him and my favorite part of the day is falling asleep next to him and walking up to him in the morning.  I have always wanted something like this... For as long as I can remember.  I didn't believe in much before I met him.  I had very little faith in anything.  Now I know there has to be something out there.  Someone or something had to have placed someone so wonderful in my life.  The person I have become over the passed seven months is greatly due to him. I feel like he saved me in certain aspects. :)  I just want to thank god for putting this person in my life. It has opened my eyes to how beautiful life and love is.  Regardless to what happens with him and I. I will always thank him and he will always have a special place in my heart.  Although, I'd prefer if he just stayed in it forever because I could never prepare myself for losing something so perfect.  I'm in love with the dude.. lol

How beer saved the world

I'm sitting here celebrating today with a few beers.  I'm on my fifth one so far.  I feel pretty damn good.  I have the perfect buzz going on.  I'm not doing anything too crazy. Just sitting here with my boyfriend watching The Girl Next Door. I just wanted to say how much I love beer.  I can drink all day and never get crazy.  Like the kind of crazy that makes me hate myself in the morning.  You can pace yourself.  This is definately my drink of choice.  I just wanted to express the love I have for beer.  It makes me feel good and does not make me regret the choices I make.  Here's to beer. CHEERS!

That's the ugliest women I've ever seen

Since I plan on completely erasing my ex from my life.  I would like to write him a letter on here to get the last bit out I have stuck all up in hereeee.

Isaac,

  I hate you.  I don't understand why you STILL feel the need to mess up good things in my life.  It has been over a year since we have been together.  I thought you would have grown up and realized I don't want anything to do with you by now.  You are the most awful person I have encountered in my life.  After putting your two sense in trying to ruin things with Ryan and I. I have lost all respect I ever had for you.  I'm happier than I have ever been in my life and nothing you say or do is going to ruin that.  I'm going to erase you from my life completely.  I'm not going to be civil or try to work on a friendship. It's pointless because you are an immature faggot that needs to pull his head out of his ass.  The next time I see you, it will be too soon.  Fuck you very much. 

----------tia

huh

what

fuck..mother fuck..bull shit..cock sucker

this post has been deleted because of it's dramatic content.  :)

Without you I'm a disaster..

I fell asleep thinking about him and he was the first thing on my mind when I woke up.  As time drags on my heart feels like it's being slowly ripped apart. My chest is so tight and I'm so anxious I could puke.  I keep checking my phone hoping that he text me.  When my phone does go off I hope it's him but I know I'm just getting my hopes up.  Still waiting and possibly for nothing.  I feel like I'm going crazy.  I want to stop thinking about him but at the same time I don't.  I can't pretend I don't care and I'm fine when I feel like everything is falling apart.  I won't play that game.  Words can't explain what this guy does to me.  I wish I could find words to say how much he means to me and how much I love him.  I could write forever and it still wouldn't be enough. Oh dear god.. Here come the tears. 
     I wish that people weren't so ready to give up on me all the time.  I don't have many people that have stuck by me through the bad times.  It makes me feel like i'm never going to be good enough.  My past haunts me and I can't escape it.  I have done a lot of stupid things that I wish I could take back now so it wouldnt ruin my present relationships.  I don't want to be judged by who I used to be because I am a completely different person now.  I'm not perfect but I have made huge changes.  I have come a long way.  For once in my life I finally started feeling like being me was good enough for someone. I didn't change who I was for this person. I was me 100% of the time.  I thought I finally found someone that loved me just the way I was flaws and all.  I guess I'm too much.  It hurts because i didn't think that he would be so willing to turn his back on me. My heart breaks with every beat and I can't stop crying.  I wish I could make him understand me better and why I act certain ways in different situations.  I've never had a good relationship with anyone.  They have all been disfunctional and abusive.  He is the first person that everything was just perfect and yeah I don't know how to have a good relationship.  When you come from being brainwashed half your life into thinking certain ways and feel certain ways about yourself.  It might be a little rocky but I am trying and this relationship was a huge learning experience for me.  It was so perfect it was weird to me.  I don't know if I'm making any sense right now.  I'm upset.  I want to kill Isaac.  I swear to god he always finds a way to get into my life somehow and try fuck things up.  He did this to me the last time I was in a relationship with josh.  I might actually have a few blogs on here about that situation.  Luckily Josh was a douche and we only dated 2 months.  This is different because I am in love with this guy and I don't want to lose him.  He is the best thing that has come into my life in the longest time and I will try everything in my power not to lose him.  Unlike him.. I never give up on something or somebody I love. i want to know that I tried everything because I don't want him to be the one that got away and regret it my whole life.  He is my best friend and I don't want to go a day without him in my life.  ..(still checking my phone religiously)(also plotting Isaacs demise)(drinking a glass of water and wanting a beer but NO alcohol bad for upset me)(wanting a hug from him but could possibly be waiting forever)(but I'll do it)(I'm stubborn)...Byeee

its better to ask for forgiveness then permission...amen

So i've been drinking again... and I have a lot to say about my family situation.  I know I messed up but really is it ok to abandon people that you are supposed to love?  My step mom has been on my mine for a long time and I don't know what to do. I mis her but at the same time i hate her guts.  I miss our friendship. she has gotten me threw a lot and I appreciate that but she has completely disowned me as a person.  Yeh... I've made many mistakes but I am a great person but that is part of the learning experience of life.. make mistakes and fuck up but who you are at the end of the day is what makes you ..you,  I am not perfect.  I have never claimed to be anything of the sort.  I am human.  I do stupid shit.  It's all about the learning experience.  I only have one life to live and I want to be able to say I have done everything. Good or bad.  I am having fun and I am being myself.  How many people can say that they are being true to themselves like that?.. not many.  lol  I will never pretend to be someone I am not .  Its better to ask for forgiveness then permission.  amen