by Tia Sandy on Thursday, February 3, 2011 at 2:00am
I remember it like it was happening today. The memories I will never be able to erase from my mind. I play it over and over, maybe for some kind of closure. I don't know. I remember the sad voice on the phone that made my heart feel like it was shattering. My thoughts racing faster that I could even think. Numb, but somehow feeling everything. Thinking about you and getting to you before you left me forever. I remember pleading with God, begging him not to take you. Was I going to be too late? I didn't know. I filled my head with false hope. Telling myself it would be okay. That you would be okay. That's the only way I could make it to you on time. Lying to myself. When I knew deep down that nothing was going to be okay. Everything was a blur. Nothing felt real. I wanted to wake up from this nightmare. Those bright lights and the cold hard floors. This can't be happening. I didn't want to walk into that room where you lay. Where everyone sat waiting to say there goodbyes. "No! I won't say goodbye." I thought. If I were to say goodbye than this is real. It can't be real. I won't make it real. I stood outside that door what felt like an eternity. I didn't know if I had the strength. I wasn't even sure I could remember how to move. With two shallow breaths I cautiously stepped into that room. The room that would be branded to my memory for as long as I would live. Eyes wide with horror. I seen you, but it wasn't you. It was a ghost of you. So wore out, broken down. How could this be you? Seeing you like this ruined me forever. You were so strong. So invincible. How could this happen so fast? So many questions but no answers. The peoples faces around your bed focused so intently on me now. Looking for comfort, for some sort of relief. Why do I feel like I have to be the strong one? When It feels like my joints are slowly unhinging and I feel like my mind is in complete chaos. Am I alive? I can't hear my heartbeat anymore. I moved so quickly away from that horrible seen and before I could grasp what I was doing or anything. I was outside that tomb cradled in my dads arms. Losing it. "I'm going crazy." I kept thinking. "No, no, This isn't happening. Pull yourself together. They need you! Be strong!" I refused to let myself feel. I cut off my emotions right in that moment or I would've went insane. In an instant I was back. Snapped hard into reality. I was able to pull myself back together or whatever was left of me. As my step-mom told me the news and that you were fading faster with each shallow breath. I knew I couldn't leave your side. I would hold onto you as long as they would let me. You needed me. I needed you. There wasn't a force on this earth that could pull me from your side.
<span> </span>Distant family came to make there peace and The preacher, to make sure everyone was okay. People came and people went. I payed no attention to them. I was focused on you and Grandpa. Watching Grandpa sit next to you, hold your hand, and think silently to himself. It broke my heart every time I looked into his deep chocolate eyes. I could see the pain. I could feel it run through every inch of my being. I couldn't bare the thought of Grandpa without you. He would be lost. We all were going to be. It wasn't until now that I realized how much you did for our family, for me. You were the rock. We all depended on you in some way. What were we going to do now? Slowly, almost everyone was filtered out of the room. It was you, me, auntie Cheryl, Leslie, and Lynn. We all sat there waiting. What a cruel game to play. Waiting for the end. I was emotionally as well as physically exhausted but I couldn't sleep. Sleep would not bring me comfort. I sat quietly by your bed gently stroking your hand and humming to myself. The hours seemed to go by too quickly now. It was 6 a.m. I hadn't slept in over 24 hours. I was so weak and so out of it but I refused to sleep. I didn't leave your side all night and I wouldn't. Your hand never left mine. I talked to you and told you how much I loved you while everyone had fallen into a dreamless sleep. There was a constant stream of tears falling from my eyes. Like daggers slowly ripping me from the inside out. I had the blanket you had given me when I was little. Still covered in kaly's hair and smelling of your old house. The one thing that had brought me comfort when you were miles away from me. I wrapped it around my body and sunk into my chair. You're hand firmly in mine, never letting go. I drifted off to sleep. In my dreams there was a castle and I was trapped in the dungeon. Searching for a way out. There was no windows, no doors, and no hope. I sat in this dungeon looking for a glimmer of hope. There was none. I was trapped like some sort of animal. I started yelling. Crying out for someone. For help. I remember pacing around that cold dark room. Giving in to th thought I would be stuck there forever. When suddenly a bright light appeared in the corner. So beautiful and warming me to my core. Finally a way out. I was abrubtly awakened by my aunt Leslie. Tears in her eyes telling me that you were slipping. I looked down at your hand in mine and held on tighter. I looked at your face, then your mouth watching as the last breath escaped. The hold you had on me was gone. You were gone. I was all alone in my mind. I felt my heart beating rapidly in my chest. Painful. My body went limp and my face fell on your chest. I wished so hard that I could somehow pull you back to me. My body shaking, my heart breaking, and my world ripped out from under me. Everyone in that grey room holding onto you. Talking to you. Crying a river of tears that would drown us all. I let go of your hand. Gave you a gentle kiss on the for head. I remember saying " I will seee you soon, I love you." I would never say goodbye. Goodbye's are forever and I knew I would see you again. I walked out of that room like a zombie. My Phone clenched tightly in my hand. I had to make the call this time. Walking down the hospital hallway I see the faces of people who had no Idea. Smiling and hugging there families. They had no idea I was in my own personal hell. As I made it outside for some fresh air. Soaking in the the sun and the smell of the almost spring. Everything seemed so insignificant to me now. I wanted so badly to run. Run far away into the woods as I had done when I was a child. I didn't run. I sat down on the cement unable to move. I lifed up my phone and dialed the number. I don't remember what I said to my step-mom. I don't remember even speaking but she knew you had left us. I made a few other calls but to this day I don't remember who I even talked to.
<span> </span>I couldn't stay at the hospital anymore. I had to leave. I got into my vehicle and started the hour drive back home. I put in a CD that I thought would help take my mind off of things. Then the song Dear God came on. I listened to it and broke down into a million pieces. My vision was blurred by the onset of tears gushing like a flash flood from the blue eyes I got from you. Pulling over. I sat there screaming at God. Screaming at everything. Hating everything. I was filled with so many different emotions. I felt like I was going to explode.
I'm not finished with this yet. It's still a work in progress. This is the day my Grandma passed away. I'm hoping writing all this down will help me through life with out her. It's still hard everyday and I still think about her all the time. She impacted my life greatly and I was very close with her and my Grandpa. I've learned a lot from this happening. Always tell the people you care about that you love them. Do not waste time holding grudges or being mad at the people you care about. Forgive easily because in one moment they can be taken from you. you will never get the time back that you lost. Cherish every moment spent with your loved ones and don't take anything for granted. Life is too short.
<span> </span>Distant family came to make there peace and The preacher, to make sure everyone was okay. People came and people went. I payed no attention to them. I was focused on you and Grandpa. Watching Grandpa sit next to you, hold your hand, and think silently to himself. It broke my heart every time I looked into his deep chocolate eyes. I could see the pain. I could feel it run through every inch of my being. I couldn't bare the thought of Grandpa without you. He would be lost. We all were going to be. It wasn't until now that I realized how much you did for our family, for me. You were the rock. We all depended on you in some way. What were we going to do now? Slowly, almost everyone was filtered out of the room. It was you, me, auntie Cheryl, Leslie, and Lynn. We all sat there waiting. What a cruel game to play. Waiting for the end. I was emotionally as well as physically exhausted but I couldn't sleep. Sleep would not bring me comfort. I sat quietly by your bed gently stroking your hand and humming to myself. The hours seemed to go by too quickly now. It was 6 a.m. I hadn't slept in over 24 hours. I was so weak and so out of it but I refused to sleep. I didn't leave your side all night and I wouldn't. Your hand never left mine. I talked to you and told you how much I loved you while everyone had fallen into a dreamless sleep. There was a constant stream of tears falling from my eyes. Like daggers slowly ripping me from the inside out. I had the blanket you had given me when I was little. Still covered in kaly's hair and smelling of your old house. The one thing that had brought me comfort when you were miles away from me. I wrapped it around my body and sunk into my chair. You're hand firmly in mine, never letting go. I drifted off to sleep. In my dreams there was a castle and I was trapped in the dungeon. Searching for a way out. There was no windows, no doors, and no hope. I sat in this dungeon looking for a glimmer of hope. There was none. I was trapped like some sort of animal. I started yelling. Crying out for someone. For help. I remember pacing around that cold dark room. Giving in to th thought I would be stuck there forever. When suddenly a bright light appeared in the corner. So beautiful and warming me to my core. Finally a way out. I was abrubtly awakened by my aunt Leslie. Tears in her eyes telling me that you were slipping. I looked down at your hand in mine and held on tighter. I looked at your face, then your mouth watching as the last breath escaped. The hold you had on me was gone. You were gone. I was all alone in my mind. I felt my heart beating rapidly in my chest. Painful. My body went limp and my face fell on your chest. I wished so hard that I could somehow pull you back to me. My body shaking, my heart breaking, and my world ripped out from under me. Everyone in that grey room holding onto you. Talking to you. Crying a river of tears that would drown us all. I let go of your hand. Gave you a gentle kiss on the for head. I remember saying " I will seee you soon, I love you." I would never say goodbye. Goodbye's are forever and I knew I would see you again. I walked out of that room like a zombie. My Phone clenched tightly in my hand. I had to make the call this time. Walking down the hospital hallway I see the faces of people who had no Idea. Smiling and hugging there families. They had no idea I was in my own personal hell. As I made it outside for some fresh air. Soaking in the the sun and the smell of the almost spring. Everything seemed so insignificant to me now. I wanted so badly to run. Run far away into the woods as I had done when I was a child. I didn't run. I sat down on the cement unable to move. I lifed up my phone and dialed the number. I don't remember what I said to my step-mom. I don't remember even speaking but she knew you had left us. I made a few other calls but to this day I don't remember who I even talked to.
<span> </span>I couldn't stay at the hospital anymore. I had to leave. I got into my vehicle and started the hour drive back home. I put in a CD that I thought would help take my mind off of things. Then the song Dear God came on. I listened to it and broke down into a million pieces. My vision was blurred by the onset of tears gushing like a flash flood from the blue eyes I got from you. Pulling over. I sat there screaming at God. Screaming at everything. Hating everything. I was filled with so many different emotions. I felt like I was going to explode.
I'm not finished with this yet. It's still a work in progress. This is the day my Grandma passed away. I'm hoping writing all this down will help me through life with out her. It's still hard everyday and I still think about her all the time. She impacted my life greatly and I was very close with her and my Grandpa. I've learned a lot from this happening. Always tell the people you care about that you love them. Do not waste time holding grudges or being mad at the people you care about. Forgive easily because in one moment they can be taken from you. you will never get the time back that you lost. Cherish every moment spent with your loved ones and don't take anything for granted. Life is too short.
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