huh

what

fuck..mother fuck..bull shit..cock sucker

this post has been deleted because of it's dramatic content.  :)

Without you I'm a disaster..

I fell asleep thinking about him and he was the first thing on my mind when I woke up.  As time drags on my heart feels like it's being slowly ripped apart. My chest is so tight and I'm so anxious I could puke.  I keep checking my phone hoping that he text me.  When my phone does go off I hope it's him but I know I'm just getting my hopes up.  Still waiting and possibly for nothing.  I feel like I'm going crazy.  I want to stop thinking about him but at the same time I don't.  I can't pretend I don't care and I'm fine when I feel like everything is falling apart.  I won't play that game.  Words can't explain what this guy does to me.  I wish I could find words to say how much he means to me and how much I love him.  I could write forever and it still wouldn't be enough. Oh dear god.. Here come the tears. 
     I wish that people weren't so ready to give up on me all the time.  I don't have many people that have stuck by me through the bad times.  It makes me feel like i'm never going to be good enough.  My past haunts me and I can't escape it.  I have done a lot of stupid things that I wish I could take back now so it wouldnt ruin my present relationships.  I don't want to be judged by who I used to be because I am a completely different person now.  I'm not perfect but I have made huge changes.  I have come a long way.  For once in my life I finally started feeling like being me was good enough for someone. I didn't change who I was for this person. I was me 100% of the time.  I thought I finally found someone that loved me just the way I was flaws and all.  I guess I'm too much.  It hurts because i didn't think that he would be so willing to turn his back on me. My heart breaks with every beat and I can't stop crying.  I wish I could make him understand me better and why I act certain ways in different situations.  I've never had a good relationship with anyone.  They have all been disfunctional and abusive.  He is the first person that everything was just perfect and yeah I don't know how to have a good relationship.  When you come from being brainwashed half your life into thinking certain ways and feel certain ways about yourself.  It might be a little rocky but I am trying and this relationship was a huge learning experience for me.  It was so perfect it was weird to me.  I don't know if I'm making any sense right now.  I'm upset.  I want to kill Isaac.  I swear to god he always finds a way to get into my life somehow and try fuck things up.  He did this to me the last time I was in a relationship with josh.  I might actually have a few blogs on here about that situation.  Luckily Josh was a douche and we only dated 2 months.  This is different because I am in love with this guy and I don't want to lose him.  He is the best thing that has come into my life in the longest time and I will try everything in my power not to lose him.  Unlike him.. I never give up on something or somebody I love. i want to know that I tried everything because I don't want him to be the one that got away and regret it my whole life.  He is my best friend and I don't want to go a day without him in my life.  ..(still checking my phone religiously)(also plotting Isaacs demise)(drinking a glass of water and wanting a beer but NO alcohol bad for upset me)(wanting a hug from him but could possibly be waiting forever)(but I'll do it)(I'm stubborn)...Byeee

its better to ask for forgiveness then permission...amen

So i've been drinking again... and I have a lot to say about my family situation.  I know I messed up but really is it ok to abandon people that you are supposed to love?  My step mom has been on my mine for a long time and I don't know what to do. I mis her but at the same time i hate her guts.  I miss our friendship. she has gotten me threw a lot and I appreciate that but she has completely disowned me as a person.  Yeh... I've made many mistakes but I am a great person but that is part of the learning experience of life.. make mistakes and fuck up but who you are at the end of the day is what makes you ..you,  I am not perfect.  I have never claimed to be anything of the sort.  I am human.  I do stupid shit.  It's all about the learning experience.  I only have one life to live and I want to be able to say I have done everything. Good or bad.  I am having fun and I am being myself.  How many people can say that they are being true to themselves like that?.. not many.  lol  I will never pretend to be someone I am not .  Its better to ask for forgiveness then permission.  amen

Ryan

I've been seeing Ryan for almost seven months.  It's been the most wonderful and eyeopening seven months of my life.  Ryan has become my best friend and I can't imagine not being with him.  I have never been with someone that makes me feel the way he does.  It's as easy as breathing. I didn't know a functional relationship could be this fantastic.  I feel like the luckiest person in the world.  I don't know how I would have made it without him.  :)  Just thought everyone needed to know how amazing this guy is.

Peace of mind

It's been a long time since I've been able to have feelings.  I almost thought I was incapable of having them. I thought that I had some switch that was busted making it unable for me to really care for someone.  Ever since my relationship with Isaac.  I havn't been able to be with anyone else.  I thought it might be because him and I were meant to be together. So, there was no possible way to let someone else in without losing him.  I really thought Isaac was perfect and perfect for me but as I think more about why I hold on to him I realize this isn't the case.  He was my first love.  He was the first person I let in completely and he took care of me.  I have never connected with someone on that level.  I was so comfortable with him and he was everything to me.  That's what your first love is.  I know now that it doesn't necessarily mean we were or are meant to be.  Although I will always care tremendously for him.  I'm ready to let him go.  I have been seeing this guy for about a month now and he is amazing.  He is everything any girl could hope a guy could be.  He is sweet, caring, and most of all excepts me for me.  I do love being around him a lot and I broke it off about a week ago because I was scared.  I was scared that I would hurt him because I wouldn't be able to care for him like he cares for me.  I was wrong.  I found myself thinking about him more than usual and wishing I was with him.  I actually have feelings for him which is so weird to me.  I usually just pretend I do or try make myself believe I like them but with this guy it's a little different.  I enjoy his company. I'm not saying that we are going to be together forever or even for a long time.  It's just nice being able to feel for someone and care about them.  For instance i was thinking about doing something really sweet for him because he's been studying his ass off and working a lot.  That's not like me.  Usually I just don't give a crap.  lol  I realize now how much I enjoy caring for someone instead of wishing I was with someone who didn't want me the way I want them.  this guy likes me back.  I dont know why because I'm a little...okay...ALOT a bit crazy. haha  No, but I'm definately a unique character.  It's just nice to be wanted and not in a sexual way.  I think he really cares about me too; which is nice for a change. :)  I'm so over being the crazy girl who is heartless and only cares about herself.  I don't want to be a sex toy and I don't want people to think of me that way anymore.  I never really did but my actions speak pretty loud for themselves.  I'm excited to see what happens in the near future.  I'm ready to be serious and settle down a bit.  It feels good.