Peace of mind

It's been a long time since I've been able to have feelings.  I almost thought I was incapable of having them. I thought that I had some switch that was busted making it unable for me to really care for someone.  Ever since my relationship with Isaac.  I havn't been able to be with anyone else.  I thought it might be because him and I were meant to be together. So, there was no possible way to let someone else in without losing him.  I really thought Isaac was perfect and perfect for me but as I think more about why I hold on to him I realize this isn't the case.  He was my first love.  He was the first person I let in completely and he took care of me.  I have never connected with someone on that level.  I was so comfortable with him and he was everything to me.  That's what your first love is.  I know now that it doesn't necessarily mean we were or are meant to be.  Although I will always care tremendously for him.  I'm ready to let him go.  I have been seeing this guy for about a month now and he is amazing.  He is everything any girl could hope a guy could be.  He is sweet, caring, and most of all excepts me for me.  I do love being around him a lot and I broke it off about a week ago because I was scared.  I was scared that I would hurt him because I wouldn't be able to care for him like he cares for me.  I was wrong.  I found myself thinking about him more than usual and wishing I was with him.  I actually have feelings for him which is so weird to me.  I usually just pretend I do or try make myself believe I like them but with this guy it's a little different.  I enjoy his company. I'm not saying that we are going to be together forever or even for a long time.  It's just nice being able to feel for someone and care about them.  For instance i was thinking about doing something really sweet for him because he's been studying his ass off and working a lot.  That's not like me.  Usually I just don't give a crap.  lol  I realize now how much I enjoy caring for someone instead of wishing I was with someone who didn't want me the way I want them.  this guy likes me back.  I dont know why because I'm a little...okay...ALOT a bit crazy. haha  No, but I'm definately a unique character.  It's just nice to be wanted and not in a sexual way.  I think he really cares about me too; which is nice for a change. :)  I'm so over being the crazy girl who is heartless and only cares about herself.  I don't want to be a sex toy and I don't want people to think of me that way anymore.  I never really did but my actions speak pretty loud for themselves.  I'm excited to see what happens in the near future.  I'm ready to be serious and settle down a bit.  It feels good. 

I might just dissapear

A lot has been going on in my life lately.  It seems as though the past 3 months have been a blur. I have been drinking almost everyday.  I might have one night out of the week that Im not drinking.  It's been rough.  I have had quite a few amazing nights but it is slowly ripping the person I am apart.  It's gotten out of control and I dont even know myself anymore.  Everything seems to be falling apart and slipping away.  I am slowly self destructing.  I had a wakeup call 2 days ago.  I woke up and I wanted to die.  I felt like I had nothing to live for.  It was the scariest feeling ever.  I just wanted to give up.  I had been ignoring my family for over 2 months.  It was mostly because I was ashamed of my actions.  I have been so lonely and depressed the passed 3 months.  When I drink I am happy that's why I have to constantly have alcohol in my system.  BUT.. I am done with it.  I cant do it anymore.  Not only is my life falling apart my body is too.  Im sick all the time and I have gained 10 lbs from all the alcohol.  I had a huge heart to heart with my stepmom and she is going to help me through this.  I am going to see a therapist 3 times this week.  For some intense help.  Im happy that we talked I felt so cut off from my family. 
  Another thing that has been happening is that I keep meeting all these guys that I think are awesome and they are all turning out to be complete douchebags.  i mean im sure my drinking has a little to do with it but still.  They lie they're ass off to me and then stop talking to me. Im so over dating or even trying to like someone.  I need to fix myself first befor I even think about a guy.  Its just hard because I get so lonely.  :(  The next month im putting myself through some intense rehab for my life.  I will be going back on this diet and I plan on losing atleast 15 lbs in the next month.  Im gonna work my ass of literally.  I need to get the old me back.  The happier and better version of me.  i will be writing my progress in here often.  later

Tell me I can't and I'll show you I can

I'm joining the air force and my ex doesnt think I can do it.  He has always tried to bring me down.  I know it's going to be tough and I know I will have a few moments where I want to give up but the thought of him not thinking i can will make me do it.  I want him to know that in those moments where I feel weak. I will think of him and I will push through to the end.  When I graduate from basic there is one song Im gonna blast so fucking loud and thats.  4 words to choke upon...LOOK AT ME NOW!!!!!!!



Betrayed one more time,
But somewhere down that line
You're gonna get what's coming to you

Look at me now,
Look at me now,
Look at me now!

Pull it out from my back,
Soon I'm the one that's on attack,
Can't wait to return the favour

Look at me now,
Look at me now,
Look at me now!

Too many times I've seen it,
Rip a hole into our friendship
This is how it's been, how it always will be

You think you're above me (You think you're above me!)
But now I'm here to envy
Four words to choke upon!

Look (look!) at... me... now!

Get Drunk And Be Somebody

Alcohol is my best friend/worst enemy.  I love how Alcohol is literally liquid courage.  It makes you feel a hundred times better about yourself and your not afraid to be a complete idiot and speak your mind.  On the darker side.  It can turn you into a person your not, say things you probably should never say, lose your morals, and cause a lot of trouble.  I love drinking.  not to just get wasted. I just like to party, dance and have a good time with close friends.  I have been hitting up the bar scene a lot lately and I'm enjoying the hell out of it.  A lot of people think I'm becoming an alcoholic or binge drinking. I say No.  I just turned 21, Im young. I want to live life and have fun.  Make stupid mistakes. Apologize..more than once.  Fall down. Get back up.  Dance until my legs hurt.  Wake up the next morning. Thinking Omg Im so glad I didnt have sex with that guy last night or even better wake up next to some guy and think damn i had a good time last night.  (not necessarily saying hook up with random dudes all the time but once in a blue moon is ok) This is the time in my life where I want to make memmories.  I dont want too look back and say. Oh yeah kids your mom stayed at home and read the bible. No.  I want to be able to say I tore shit up and had a wild and crazy time doing so.  Lifes to short to live with regret of what happened or the stupid mistakes you made along the way.  You live and you learn...or keep making the same mistakes over until you learn.  haha  If people are you going to judge you. Let them.  They are just jealous because they wish they had the crazy wonderful life you lead.  I dont care if people think Im going crazy.  Maybe i am..so what.  Im having the best time doing it.  I might have done some pretty stupid things the passed couple months but I have stories to tell.  I dont care if I got completely wasted one night and made an ass out of myself.  It happens to everyone..sometimes more that once but a saying in life I live by is  The people that mind dont matter and the people that matter dont mind..  yeeuhh dude thats whats up.  rock it

You dont know how sick you make me. You make me fucking sick to my stomach everytime I think of you I puke.

I found out some fucking fantastic news today.  Satan strikes again.  Not only did he threaten to murder me last week.  He's even more of a pig than I even thought.  Apparently he gives stupid skanks free tattoos in exchange for sex.  How lovely. Oh, and He likes it in the ass. Sad thing is Im being completely serious.  I found out all this stuff today and I am physically sick.  I feel like throwing up everytime he crosses my mind.  I have never been this disturbed in my entire life.  I feel like a complete idiot for wasting 5 fucking years on him.  I have a plan to meet him tonight so I can punch him in the face.  Dead serious.  It will be the only thing that will make me feel better.  I honestly DO NOT care about the consequences.  I have so much on him that he wouldn't dare go to the cops.  Oh and what would he say anyways. "My ex girlfriend beat me up"  HA.  This time I'm fighting back.  I'm going to show him that he fucked with the wrong girl.  Ive let him beat me up physically and mentally but this time he is gonna get what has been long overdue.  A good ass kicking by a woman.  Fuck him.  Ive never had so much hate for someone in my entire life.  Dear Isaac Johnson..go fornicate yourself with a steal rod and then jump in front of a fucking train.  I HATE YOU!!!!  you ruined love for me..so I will ruin it for you.

Nerves.
I'm so nervous right now. It will be the first day Ive seen josh in almost two weeks and we will be spending the entire day together.  It's damiens birthday party out at base and then it's bucks.  I'm excited but worried too.  What if he flirts with other girls at the bar.  I will lose my mind.  I will probably have to leave if that's how it's going to be. I'm just going to try enjoy myself and not pay much attention to him.  Plan of attack:  Make it look like I'm just fine and happy without him in my life.  Tonight for me is a make it or break it kind of deal.  If we can't get through today.  I'm done and moving on and never looking back.  Uff. My chest is getting really tight and my minds racing.  I can't stop moving.  I feel like I have ADD right now.  Wish me luck for tonight everyone and lets hope my emotions get the better of me and I dont get too drunk and make a fool of myself.  Fingers crossed!

Chalk another love lost up to Foolish Pride.

So yesterday josh and I were texting a lot.  He told me that there was nothing left to say or talk about when i asked him to talk to me in person but the funny thing is after he said that we texted for two more hours and he unleashed all of his feelings on me. I did find out that he is just mad and its not that he doesnt want anything to do with me anymore he just wants some time to get over the whole situation and a little space.  Which is understandable atleast he still likes me and i know he cares because he's that hurt and got that jealous.  It really sucks not seeing him though.  I dont think when it comes to love you should be prideful.  It can kill a romance and being so stubborn doesnt help much either.  I'm just happy that he opened up and finally showed some human emotions. lol  I get to spend all day with him tomorrow which will be nice.  It's damiens birthday part out on base and then we have the competitions tomorrow at bucks as well.  So my plan of action is to dress really hott and not necessarily ignore him but play a little hard to get.  I'm going to make it look like im the happiest person alive and show him what he's missing out on by being so damn stubborn lol.  I'm not sure what I'm going to wear.  probably my silver jeans with a pink t shirt.  Simple but sexy. ya kno. hahahaha  Im kind of nervous though because it will be the first time ive seen or spoken to him in a week and a half.  I hope he's not rude.  It will kill the day for me.  Im determined though to get him back in my life and I always get what I want and I will not give up until I have it.  Im relentless that way.  I'm going to try make him think that Im prize to be won and HE should be lucky to have me in his life because I can move on easily and find a new one.  There are plenty of good looking fish in the sea with a nice ass.  So im not too worried about it.  Even though I do want him and it will hurt like hell if it doesnt work out.  I wont be lonely long.