Of all forms of caution, caution in love is the most fatal.

For quite awhile now I've had the mentality that every guy that I encounter is an asshole/player and I needed to play the game twice as good.  I shut my heart off and would never let myself get too wrapped up in somebody. I also did it for some sick kind of revenge on the opposite sex.  I thought I would get pleasure making some guy fall for me, use him, and then throw him away like he was garbage.  The way I had been treated by every guy I had ever been with.  I was sick of being walked on because of how nice and caring I was. It was time for me to be the heartless one. The truth is.  That is not who I really am.  I know I was scared to let anyone in because my hearts been ripped to pieces so many times but what I was doing was, in the long run hurting me more.
   It wasn't up until about a week ago I met someone who changed my mind completely.  One of my guy friends that I hadnt seen in awhile was walking passed my place of work in the mall.  He stopped to talk with one of his friends that I had never met befor.  They kindly invited me out to the bar that night.  I accepted because I hadn't done anything in awhile being so busy with work and all.  I found out that they lived right next to me. Which was way to perfect.  Later on that evening I went over to there apartment befor the bar.  When I walked in there "he" was.  I had seen him a few times around town the passed year and always thought he was cute.  It was one of those things where you see them and think to yourself  "oh, he's cute but I will probly never see or talk to him." but still you really wanted to.  I was kind of off put and started getting shy/quiet.  Usually I'm the loud and outgoing one but he made me feel like I had to act perfect.  Wierd right?  We flirted a little bit but I did that with all my guy friends so it wasn't like it was a huge deal.  A few beers, shots, and a bucket of long island ice tea later. We hooked up obviously.  I was pretty drunk and it had gotten to be more like a routine for me anyways.  So, it really wasn't a suprise and I felt no shame.  It was until the next morning that everything changed.  I woke up in his arms and it felt good.  I didn't want to throw my clothes on and run out of there as fast as possible.  I wanted to stay but unfortunately I did have to work. So, I left and carried on my wayward.  I was positive that he wasn't going to text me after that.  After all he was a guy and one of his friends even told me he was a player.  So, I just thought of it as another notch on my belt and no big deal.  I did catch myself thinking about him a lot which was quite unusual for me.  Then out of nowhere he texted me.  All he said was how are you and how is your day going but it made me way too happy.  Why did he care I thought.  I kept trying to tell myself that I was letting myself feel too much already and just act heartless but it was hard.  I did want to see him and hang out with him but I wouldn't let myself. Until wednesday, when he invited me again to go out to a movie and then to the bars.  I pretended not to get the text and accidentally fell asleep. I woke up and realized I really wanted to go see him.  So, I got ready and went and hung out with gabe for awhile and then she dropped me off outside.  There he was waiting to escort me in.  I thought that was pretty cute.  He was all over me the whole night.  Touching me the way people usually do when they are together.  It felt wierd.  I didn't want it but at the same time I craved it.  I had a lot of fun that night dancing with random people and drinking.  I thought for sure he was going to be mad I was dancing on stage or that I was dancing with guys but he wasn't.  Which was also a shocker.  I was so used to isaac being extremely jealous and not letting me be myself that it was quite refreshing and only made me like him more.  We hooked up again that night.  We layed there in the morning and talked for a bit until I had to go to work again.  He was just too damn sweet.  I kept thinking "How could he be a player when he's treating me better than anyone has in my life."  I started hanging out with him a little more.  I even told him myself that I didn't get attached to people and that I was quite the player myself but I don't think he believed me.  I wasn't sure if i believed myself anymore.  I just said that because it made me feel like i wasnt putting my heart out there to get hurt.  I finally admitted to him that I did have feelings after slipping up a few times and him making fun of me.  I knew he seen right through my fake exterior. 
   I don't know this guy very well but I came across a realization last night that I really do like him a lot.  Even though I have only known him for a short while.  He's sweet and I enjoy his company.  I'm not saying that I'm gonna jump right in to a relationship or anything.  I'm just strangely ok with having feelings for someone and them knowing it now.  He might turn out to be a complete asshole I don't know. But. It is definately worth the risk.
   The reason why I'm writing about this story is because I have had a personal epiphany about life and love.  I've spent so long being guarded and pretending that I don't have feelings.  I know now that I might have kept all the bad things from happening to me but also with that, the good things weren't able to penetrate the walll that I had built.  I'm not afraid anymore.  I want to wear my heart on my sleeve and be the caring and loving person that I always have been.  I have a huge heart and so much to offer someone.  I want to try.  I don't want to regret letting the good things escape my life.  I know I might get hurt and I know that not everything is going to be perfect but it's better then giving up completely.  Life is way too short to let something good slip away.
would you really want to live?
Love makes life so confusing, but without love