Without you I'm a disaster..

I fell asleep thinking about him and he was the first thing on my mind when I woke up.  As time drags on my heart feels like it's being slowly ripped apart. My chest is so tight and I'm so anxious I could puke.  I keep checking my phone hoping that he text me.  When my phone does go off I hope it's him but I know I'm just getting my hopes up.  Still waiting and possibly for nothing.  I feel like I'm going crazy.  I want to stop thinking about him but at the same time I don't.  I can't pretend I don't care and I'm fine when I feel like everything is falling apart.  I won't play that game.  Words can't explain what this guy does to me.  I wish I could find words to say how much he means to me and how much I love him.  I could write forever and it still wouldn't be enough. Oh dear god.. Here come the tears. 
     I wish that people weren't so ready to give up on me all the time.  I don't have many people that have stuck by me through the bad times.  It makes me feel like i'm never going to be good enough.  My past haunts me and I can't escape it.  I have done a lot of stupid things that I wish I could take back now so it wouldnt ruin my present relationships.  I don't want to be judged by who I used to be because I am a completely different person now.  I'm not perfect but I have made huge changes.  I have come a long way.  For once in my life I finally started feeling like being me was good enough for someone. I didn't change who I was for this person. I was me 100% of the time.  I thought I finally found someone that loved me just the way I was flaws and all.  I guess I'm too much.  It hurts because i didn't think that he would be so willing to turn his back on me. My heart breaks with every beat and I can't stop crying.  I wish I could make him understand me better and why I act certain ways in different situations.  I've never had a good relationship with anyone.  They have all been disfunctional and abusive.  He is the first person that everything was just perfect and yeah I don't know how to have a good relationship.  When you come from being brainwashed half your life into thinking certain ways and feel certain ways about yourself.  It might be a little rocky but I am trying and this relationship was a huge learning experience for me.  It was so perfect it was weird to me.  I don't know if I'm making any sense right now.  I'm upset.  I want to kill Isaac.  I swear to god he always finds a way to get into my life somehow and try fuck things up.  He did this to me the last time I was in a relationship with josh.  I might actually have a few blogs on here about that situation.  Luckily Josh was a douche and we only dated 2 months.  This is different because I am in love with this guy and I don't want to lose him.  He is the best thing that has come into my life in the longest time and I will try everything in my power not to lose him.  Unlike him.. I never give up on something or somebody I love. i want to know that I tried everything because I don't want him to be the one that got away and regret it my whole life.  He is my best friend and I don't want to go a day without him in my life.  ..(still checking my phone religiously)(also plotting Isaacs demise)(drinking a glass of water and wanting a beer but NO alcohol bad for upset me)(wanting a hug from him but could possibly be waiting forever)(but I'll do it)(I'm stubborn)...Byeee